31 October 2008

Condee Rocks

Just because we're sitting in the middle of what might be the most dramatic campaign ever, that's no reason to treat the Bush Administration like the red-headed stepchild.  

The band Captain Danger is paying homage to the outgoing administration. Its new video, produced spectacularly by Emmy-Nominated Producer Tamra Raven, features Dick Cheney on drums and Condee on bass (really?) Really. 

The lyrics are cleverly masked with snide digs at Cheney's corporate incompetence at cleaning up after Hurricane Katrina and Condeeleza Rice's blissful shoe shopping during the Hurricane. The combined talent if not the nostalgia alone should make "Halliburton" a hit. 

You can also check out Captain Danger play it live tonight-Halloween! at Kennys' 157 Bleecker @Sullivan 11pm. I suggest you head over, Obama mask and all.

Sta-Cleen Capitalism

It all started that fateful October day in Toledo when the Senator from Illinois crossed paths with every day man Joe Wurlzelbacher. 
Little did Barack Obama know that this was no Ordinary Joe and what he told this guy would change the direction of the campaign. 
Joe questioned Obama on being taxed if he were to ever achieve his American Dream:  To take over his boss' plumbing business. 

Obama's now well-publicized response: "I think that when you spread the wealth around, it's good for everybody" got the pundits' tongues wagging and their flags waving. That smelled like Socialism.  

Our economic system might be sick as dog, with the Dow vomiting most its value, but we Americans are proud of our Crystal Clean Capitalist system. 

Nothing screams more Anti-American than Socialism. The Red White and Blue Blood boiled in the Fiscal Conservatives. And many Americans were confused- what should they fear more? The Black of Barack's Skin or the Red of his Commie Soul? Being we stand at Economic Ground Zero, this strike at the US' Belief in Private Enterprise for Private Profit was far more terrifying. 

The McCain Campaign adopted Mr. Wurlzelbacher as the official mascot of the common man. Officially changing his name to "Joe the Plumber", John McCain referenced him 23 times in the final Presidential debate. His words resonated to many who saw their hard earned money going down the drain Joe had worked so hard to unplug.

Defending our Nation's Free Enterprise system from corrosion, WFTV's Top Reporter Barbara West took on Barack Obama's running mate, Democratic Vice Presidential Candidate Joseph Biden. Straight up she asked him: 
"From each according to his abilities; to each according to his needs. That's from Karl Marx. How is Senator Obama not being a Marxist if he intends to spread the wealth around?" 
In response, The Obama Campaign cancelled all future interviews with the station.

"Spread the Wealth"and Radical Socialism were scary enough topics to partner with terrorist Bill Ayres on Sarah Palin's Campaign Trail of Terror. 

"Obama's tax plan sounds like Socialism. What he wants is the Government to take your money and dole it out and send it to other people. Cut them a check. It's more Government Growth and a Government Giveaway and now's not the time to be experimenting with Socialism!"

You gotta hand it to Sarah Palin. She can plain talk it down so the Average Joe Plumber can understand it. 

It is just like the Government cutting a check. It is just like a Government Giveaway.  It is just like... just like... just like..... uh.... just like that er, ecomomic stimulus check that our Squeaky Clean Capitalist Government sent out last year. The 130 million stimulus payments that were sent out in May 2007?   Remember Those? You  Betcha! 
Our True Blue Capitalist Government that some feel they need to protect from this big bad Socialist theory is not as virtuous as its defenders make it out to be.  So they can stop cowering behind the big bald head of Joe Wurzelbacher. 

If they truly do believe in the cause and want to clean up the Capitalist system, then they know what they must do. Back-Hand It. Clear Our Capitalist Society of the Evil that You Fear. Rid Yourself of the Mortal Sin of Socialism. Give it Back!  It is the only way to clear your conscience and resurrect True American Capitalism. 

So, I will break it down. If you were Single in 2007 with an Adjusted Gross Income of less than $75,000.00, return the $600.00 you received to the US Government. Couples, the Government will be expecting $1,200.00 of its Socialist funds. We must start somewhere.

Oh! The Government also handed out a $300.00 per child credit. So don't forget to hand that back, too. As no child is left behind under this Socialism-Take-Back Initiative.  

Anyone who made too little to pay income tax, you are not exempt, as Socialism is Communal, even in its Return Policy. You will need to return the $300.00 you were sent. However, this may be sent in installments. 

We can change our evil ways. Don't just talk America. Stand up and Take Action.  You can fight Socialism with More than Words! We can Show the Government by Shoving their Socialist Economic Stimulus Checks Up their  IR-ASS!  

30 October 2008

Stick Figures in Obammercial

Much to the dismay of what must be the millions of Gary Unmarried fans, their Wednesday night was disrupted by what is known as an Obammercial. 
Replacing the comedic genius of a recently single painting contractor and his controlling ex-wife, was Obama making his case for change and introducing a microcosm of America. 
The campaign ad lasted 30 minutes, which is approximately the same amount of time most music executives give Joe Wurzelbacher's music career. 
A very generous bunch, those music execs. I wouldn't give my dwindling 401K that Joe the Unlicensed Plumber can strum a guitar any longer than he would plunge my toilet before calling a real plumber to do the job.     

The omnipresent ad, airing on seven network and cable stations, was unarguably well-produced and did what it set out to do- it reinforced to the remaining undecided dentally-challenged voters residing in the square states that Obama is not one of those scary black people. Or Muslim. Or Socialist. Or whatever they're calling him this week. Nearly 34 million viewers can now confirm that Obama really is American and perfectly capable of running the country.  

But as I watched, something struck me.   Something very strange.

A mom was filling up her gas tank, and as Obama's voice-over explained that her family was most important to her, I thought...

Does she really have stick figures of them on her SUV???

I am trying to feel sorry for this woman who really does have an unfortunate tale to tell but I can't because she's made a comedy out of her life.  

This is just not what I am supposed to be feeling for her.  
Why does she have that on her car and why does she have to show us? 
I am sorry for her hard times and I know she has a lot to deal with but- Please!!!  Stick figures!!! 

I was just glad I had tivo'ed it and I could fast forward past mom Rebecca Johnston and onto the next unfortunate American story- one I could sympathize with... a story that wasn't made into a cartoon with Stick Figures!!! 

Next time you make the case for compassion for your family, Mom Rebecca Johnston, please leave the animated characters out of it, and, if at all possible, off your vehicle. It would have let the empathy flow a little sooner and allowed me to enjoy what was, as a whole, a commendable piece of television.  

29 October 2008

Palin: The Mane Issue

Welcome to the first entry of the Irrelevant Monkey.  Here I will share my views on everything from design to fashion to politics to movies to pop culture and anything else that I deem interesting.  

Like the rest of the country I am following the presidential race and like most, I am obsessed with Sarah Palin. But not in a good way. It baffles me that a woman can stand against most everything beneficial to women: the right to choose, public funding of rape kits, education of birth control in schools, blah blah  (to quote John McCain).  

And how can she live in what is the largest nature preserve and be so environmentally ignorant?  She refuses to even educate herself as to "if" Global Warming is man-made. 
Following in the grand tradition of Bill O'Reilly, she doesn't even realize when she contradicts herself.  

She did it again today.  Just look what she wore at her Campaign Speech in Ohio.  Look closely....  

Yep. It's a Polar Bear pin. That is what one would wear to bring attention in support of the animal.  

And yes, you are correct. She is the one suing the US Government to have them removed from the Endangered Species list.  One would hope she could accessorize without irony. 

But regardless of her countless inabilities, the real issue I want to address, the one that no one seems to have spoken about or maybe even realized is this: 
McCain's campaign started spiraling downhill just as soon as Sarah Changed her Hairstyle.  And I argue that the Downfall of the McCain/Palin campaign is due, in part, to the Downsweep of Palin's Hairdo

Remember when Sarah Palin burst onto the Campaign trail? She pranced up to the podium a big bouffant-ed Moose-hunting Maverick unapologetically unvetted. Her hair stood as high as her political aspirations.

The crowds she drew were as uncountable as the hairpins it took to keep the hair up in the Bushy bun that many Palindrones will attempt to clone this Halloween.   

And the hairstyle fit for a Beauty Queen showcased Sarah's talent to rejuvenate the Republican base. 

She was the crowning glory of the McCain Campaign trail, blazing through 'good' America with her one speech properly memorized. 

Her lunch lady updo was the perfect style to serve the Red states the red meat they didn't get from McCain.  

She even went Rogue and revealed that unlike McCain, she wanted to amend the constitution to re-define marriage as being between a "man and a woman". That's quite a stretch for someone who takes hair tips from a tranny.   

But then, as the press and the people uncovered more about her and her family, and we found out the truth about the potential VP, her hairstyle seemed to change.  It fell. 

Word came out about Troopergate.  Would this Hockey Mom possibly be sent to the penalty box for abusing her power to fire someone for not firing someone she wanted fired for personal reasons?  

Then there was the Couric Annoyance, er, Interview. Sarah had trouble with questions that a Journalism major shouldn't have problems answering; questions like: "What do you read?"  

This is not to be confused with the Shakespearean scandal of the Wasilla Library. Books: Was She To Ban or Not to Ban? That is the Question.
It was then revealed that husband, Todd was more than the First Dude- he was a card-carrying member of the AIP, the Alaskan Independence Party.  A group so independent that they wish to secede from the union. But the Todd-Over-And-Out scandal didn't stop there.  It bled onto our poor Veep Candidate when...
... a video popped up of Sarah herself addressing the AIP/Wanna-Seceders at the 2008 convention telling them to "keep up the good work" oops! Get out the Aqua Net!  

The Vice Presidential Debate was a turning point but not in the sense that the RNC nor Sarah Palin were expecting. Because she memorized her cue cards very well, and more importantly, because she blatantly disregarded and stepped over VP Candidate Joe Biden's visibly emotional outburst when speaking of the 1972 tragedy that took the life of his first wife and baby daughter, it cancelled their incessant use of the sexism card whenever the press asked her a question or asked about her in general. So, No More Crying Sexism for Mama Moose-a-Lini.

Meanwhile, the internet kept abuzz with rumors that son Track was Off-Track.  As The Thrilla from Wasilla saw her son off to Iraq, it was duly noted on the net that he was forced to either Join the Army or he would face Juvey. His uncontrollable teen behavior, vandalism, sexcapades and drug use were too much for the "Mothernor". Apparently hockey in Michigan ain't much better than in Alaska and is no reason to ship away your son for his senior year. 
Suspicions that Palin's Parenting skills were off-Track didn't subside when it was discovered that Bristol and Willow were also sent to study their senior year away from their mom in Wasilla to relatives in Juneau. 

Aaaahhh! More hair haunting video appears! The Mayor of the Meth Cap of AK is 'blessed' by a Witch Hunter to progress her political career. This hex had side FX turning it into the Hair Witch Project.  It made her hair fall from her bun as free as the land she wishes to rule.  

And the scandal that keeps giving: Waterbreak-Gate. Questions surrounding the birth of Trig and why Sarah took an 8-hour flight from Texas back to Alaska whilst in labor to give birth. She bypassed all hospitals with the proper NICU machines to get to Mat-Su hospital (which is run by her Church) and which does not have the proper equipment to take care of a premature baby with Down Syndrome. 

Of course there is the Wardrobe Receipt Malfunction. I know they say there was $150,000 spent on her clothes but I don't believe it. Because in defense of Sarah, she doesn't look like she was $150,000 improved... maybe more like $50,000 but not $150,000. Someone needs to check those receipts because either she has the worst stylist in the universe or someone is stashing some of those RNC rubles for a rainy day.  

So, as you witness, with each illicit rumor, Sarah Palin's hair has gotten flatter until we end up here (see picture above). I argue that all these controversies caused her coif to cower. And it's this depression in her hairdo that has caused the McCain/Palin ticket's popularity to decline. 

If McCain wants to win the presidency he should have an emergency meeting with Palin's very over-paid hairstylist and get on top of the Mane Issue

Digg! My Zimbio