Real News from the Onion

This is an article from "the Onion" that was too perfect. I always feel like the world is inefficient and it's about time a serious news organization covered it! I had to reprint it here.

EVERYTHING TAKING TOO LONG

WASHINGTON—An overwhelming sense of restlessness and impatience engulfed the U.S. this week when citizens determined that everything—the morning commute, phone conversations, getting a table at Chili's, making coffee, commercial breaks, everything—was taking entirely too long.

"This is ridiculous," said Boston resident Joe Sosnoff, waiting for a subway train running behind schedule. "I don't have time for this. I seriously do not have time for this."

Millions of Americans can just forget about the fucking bus ever showing up when it's fucking supposed to.

"Oh, for crying out loud," said Atlanta native Ashley Rose, standing in line at a local Rite Aid pharmacy. "Open up another register if you have to. What are these people doing? Hanging out?"

Between eye rolls, sighs, and repeated glances at wall clocks, a majority of Americans are reporting that the nation badly needs to pick up the pace. In some cases, including those where things are taking so long that it's not even funny, citizens urged all present to hurry the hell up.

According to the latest time estimates, if everything continues to move along at this intolerable pace, Americans will be left with no other choice but to scream.

"You've got to be kidding me," San Francisco market researcher Tim Martin told reporters while waiting for ESPN.com to load on his desktop computer. "Come on."

A CBS News/New York Times poll revealed Tuesday that Americans are split into three separate camps when it comes to the growing national frustration: Those who think everything is taking too long; those who think everything is taking too goddamn long; and a third fringe group that believes everything is taking fucking forever. Further analysis revealed that 54 percent of respondents are not getting any younger over here. Nearly 10 percent don't understand what the big holdup is. And 23 percent are not only ready, but have been ready for the past half hour, so let's go already.

Several thousand respondents hung up their telephones before answering all of the poll's questions. While citizens said that a few things, such as lunch, dinner, and sleep, could afford to go on for much longer, everything else reportedly needs to get moving pronto as people have places to be.

A Department of the Interior report released Wednesday stated that there are 6 trillion such instances that could not possibly go any slower if they tried, some of which include budget meetings, shaving, the act of waiting, upward mobility, microwaving that lasagna, settling down and starting a family, walking from one place to another, searching for a misplaced item, returning to the place you initially walked from, air travel, 2009, and the time it takes for a sent e-mail to arrive in someone's inbox.
"Nope," said 37-year-old Glenn Costabile, who entered and then immediately exited a crowded emergency room in downtown Detroit. "No fucking way."

At a press conference, President Obama offered little comfort to the impatient nation, claiming that the number of things that take all freaking day is only expected to rise."I've spoken to leading scientists and efficiency experts and unfortunately we're just going to have to deal with this," Obama said before staring down at his watch, drumming his fingers on the podium before him, and muttering something inaudible under his breath. "Look, in my opinion, these press conferences take way too long. But am I going to flip out just because some dumb reporter asks a bunch of pointless and infuriating questions? No, of course not. And do you know why I'm not? Because this is a goddamned civilized society. That's why." "Okay, next question," Obama continued. "Make it fast."

At this rate, Americans reported, it would've been faster to take the goddamn stairs.

Is She Human?

I tried to abide by the Intervention rules and stop cold turkey but it has proved impossible. 

My addiction to all things Palin is too strong. I didn't blog about Bristol and Levi's recent breakup but this... this is too much. 

Throwing away everything she's learned from the African Witch Doctor who recently Baptized her, Sarah Palin is now turning to the Cult of Tom Cruise, aka Scientology for advice.

This is no joke. Sarah is being primed and guided by her "Political Action Committee" Chief  John Coale. 

According to RNC spokespeople, John Coale  is in charge of "protecting the Palin brand". 

He is also a Semi-Grand Poo Bah of Scientology. This means the RNC thinks it is best for Sarah's 'brand' to be managed by a Science Fiction Freak of Nature.  

You might think I am being harsh, but Coale, a prominent Washington lawyer is not a Scientology slouch.  He is at the cult's 2nd most powerful level- an OT-VII. 

Another interesting fact about OT -VII Thetan John Coale- he is the husband of another esteemed Scientologist Weirdo, Greta Van Susteren. 

(Greta is the "journalist" on Fox "News" with the 

droopy lip. The one that's so annoying you can't listen to the fluffer questions she spits out whenever she visits Wasilla.) I do not know what level in the cult Greta has reached, but I imagine to be married to a Level 2, you must not take it lightly either. 

Out of respect for the 'religion', I must now refer to all subjects as "Thetans". As founder L. Ron Hubbard defines them, a "Thetan" is comprised of  2,314 alien spirits- or what we would refer to as "Human". 

This is what's known. 

It is known John Coale is a Sci-Fi Superfreak who believes that a Galactic Ruler, Xenu, once seized billions of people while they were being tax audited; he froze them and put them on rocket-powered DC-8's and dumped them into volcanos. 

Xenu then killed them by dropping Hydrogen Bombs into those volcanos, then caught their souls with a big piece of flypaper. These souls then coagulated into groups of 2,314 and became 'Thetans".

Coale does know this because he donated enough money to be at his Level (around $300,000). Because that's about all it takes to be at Level OT-VII. Also, this information is available to anyone with access to Google. 

It is known that Sarah Palin believes the Earth was created a mere 6,000 years ago. And she believes man frolicked with dinosaurs... and that women were made when a man named Adam pulled out a rib from his chest. 

It is not known if Sarah has joined Scientology or would want to move up the "Bridge" to higher Scientology levels. I would assume some major changes to her religious base of ideas would need to be altered. But would she sell out her spiritual beliefs for political power? Oh wait, she already did when she met the Witch Doctor.

And it is known that a favored MO of the Scientologists is to seduce those in power. And power is something generously handed to Sarah Palin from those in the RNC.  These people worship her for reasons undetectable by those not in the RNC. To show proof of this, they have chosen Thetan Palin to be the keynote speaker at their June 8 address.

And finally, it is known that when it comes to all things Palin, no sci-fi writer could make this shit up! 

1,000 Words

Nairobi, Kenya March 18, 2009

What is Ugly?

Does "Ugly" exist? It is, as is beauty, in the eye of the beholder. It is a perception; a theory in one's mind. One's mind. Not necessarily in yours or mine. There are those that can see beauty in anything. Buddhists see the beauty of life in an Earthworm. So I ask, What is Ugly?  "Ugly" is defined in Webster's dictionary as follows: 

ugly |ˈəglē|adjective ( -lier , -liest )unpleasant or repulsive, esp. in appearance : she thought she was ugly and fat| the ugly sound of a fire alarm | [as n. ] ( the ugly) he instinctively shrinks from the ugly.• (of a situation or mood) involving or likely to involve violence or other unpleasantness : the mood in the room turned ugly.• unpleasantly suggestive; causing disquiet : ugly rumors persisted that there had been a cover-up.• morally repugnant : racism and its most ugly manifestations, racial attacks and harassment.

I searched the term on the internet and these are a few images that came up (from the 240,875 images on flickr). You won't agree with the 'Ugliness" of all, if any.  Which makes me think 'Does Ugly exist?"

The Wonders She Can Do

She has an Invisible Plane, the coolest bullet-proof  bracelets, a Lasso of truth and...  a Great Voice? 

Yep, Wonder Woman Lynda Carter, is switching career directions away from crime-fighting to making sweet music. 

She is now on tour and according to an LA Times review, she can "deliver a song even better than she can take down a bad guy".

Her powers are many. 

According to Wikepedia, Wonder Woman's superpowers include "super strength, enhanced speed and stamina, and (more recently) flight. She is highly proficient in hand-to-hand combat and in the art of tactical warfare. She also possesses an animal-like cunning and a natural rapport with animals, which has in the past been presented as an actual ability to communicate with the animal kingdom." 

Now that we can call her the "Caped Crooner" -she truly is a girl who's got everything!

You can witness this Superhero in Action at Lincoln Center March 13 & 14, or check her out on  YouTube

Feeling Like...

Pain in E minor 

by artist *xlizx

He must have had hand surgery.