29 October 2008

Palin: The Mane Issue

Welcome to the first entry of the Irrelevant Monkey.  Here I will share my views on everything from design to fashion to politics to movies to pop culture and anything else that I deem interesting.  

Like the rest of the country I am following the presidential race and like most, I am obsessed with Sarah Palin. But not in a good way. It baffles me that a woman can stand against most everything beneficial to women: the right to choose, public funding of rape kits, education of birth control in schools, blah blah  (to quote John McCain).  

And how can she live in what is the largest nature preserve and be so environmentally ignorant?  She refuses to even educate herself as to "if" Global Warming is man-made. 
Following in the grand tradition of Bill O'Reilly, she doesn't even realize when she contradicts herself.  

She did it again today.  Just look what she wore at her Campaign Speech in Ohio.  Look closely....  

Yep. It's a Polar Bear pin. That is what one would wear to bring attention in support of the animal.  

And yes, you are correct. She is the one suing the US Government to have them removed from the Endangered Species list.  One would hope she could accessorize without irony. 

But regardless of her countless inabilities, the real issue I want to address, the one that no one seems to have spoken about or maybe even realized is this: 
McCain's campaign started spiraling downhill just as soon as Sarah Changed her Hairstyle.  And I argue that the Downfall of the McCain/Palin campaign is due, in part, to the Downsweep of Palin's Hairdo

Remember when Sarah Palin burst onto the Campaign trail? She pranced up to the podium a big bouffant-ed Moose-hunting Maverick unapologetically unvetted. Her hair stood as high as her political aspirations.

The crowds she drew were as uncountable as the hairpins it took to keep the hair up in the Bushy bun that many Palindrones will attempt to clone this Halloween.   

And the hairstyle fit for a Beauty Queen showcased Sarah's talent to rejuvenate the Republican base. 

She was the crowning glory of the McCain Campaign trail, blazing through 'good' America with her one speech properly memorized. 

Her lunch lady updo was the perfect style to serve the Red states the red meat they didn't get from McCain.  

She even went Rogue and revealed that unlike McCain, she wanted to amend the constitution to re-define marriage as being between a "man and a woman". That's quite a stretch for someone who takes hair tips from a tranny.   

But then, as the press and the people uncovered more about her and her family, and we found out the truth about the potential VP, her hairstyle seemed to change.  It fell. 

Word came out about Troopergate.  Would this Hockey Mom possibly be sent to the penalty box for abusing her power to fire someone for not firing someone she wanted fired for personal reasons?  

Then there was the Couric Annoyance, er, Interview. Sarah had trouble with questions that a Journalism major shouldn't have problems answering; questions like: "What do you read?"  

This is not to be confused with the Shakespearean scandal of the Wasilla Library. Books: Was She To Ban or Not to Ban? That is the Question.
It was then revealed that husband, Todd was more than the First Dude- he was a card-carrying member of the AIP, the Alaskan Independence Party.  A group so independent that they wish to secede from the union. But the Todd-Over-And-Out scandal didn't stop there.  It bled onto our poor Veep Candidate when...
... a video popped up of Sarah herself addressing the AIP/Wanna-Seceders at the 2008 convention telling them to "keep up the good work" oops! Get out the Aqua Net!  

The Vice Presidential Debate was a turning point but not in the sense that the RNC nor Sarah Palin were expecting. Because she memorized her cue cards very well, and more importantly, because she blatantly disregarded and stepped over VP Candidate Joe Biden's visibly emotional outburst when speaking of the 1972 tragedy that took the life of his first wife and baby daughter, it cancelled their incessant use of the sexism card whenever the press asked her a question or asked about her in general. So, No More Crying Sexism for Mama Moose-a-Lini.

Meanwhile, the internet kept abuzz with rumors that son Track was Off-Track.  As The Thrilla from Wasilla saw her son off to Iraq, it was duly noted on the net that he was forced to either Join the Army or he would face Juvey. His uncontrollable teen behavior, vandalism, sexcapades and drug use were too much for the "Mothernor". Apparently hockey in Michigan ain't much better than in Alaska and is no reason to ship away your son for his senior year. 
Suspicions that Palin's Parenting skills were off-Track didn't subside when it was discovered that Bristol and Willow were also sent to study their senior year away from their mom in Wasilla to relatives in Juneau. 

Aaaahhh! More hair haunting video appears! The Mayor of the Meth Cap of AK is 'blessed' by a Witch Hunter to progress her political career. This hex had side FX turning it into the Hair Witch Project.  It made her hair fall from her bun as free as the land she wishes to rule.  

And the scandal that keeps giving: Waterbreak-Gate. Questions surrounding the birth of Trig and why Sarah took an 8-hour flight from Texas back to Alaska whilst in labor to give birth. She bypassed all hospitals with the proper NICU machines to get to Mat-Su hospital (which is run by her Church) and which does not have the proper equipment to take care of a premature baby with Down Syndrome. 

Of course there is the Wardrobe Receipt Malfunction. I know they say there was $150,000 spent on her clothes but I don't believe it. Because in defense of Sarah, she doesn't look like she was $150,000 improved... maybe more like $50,000 but not $150,000. Someone needs to check those receipts because either she has the worst stylist in the universe or someone is stashing some of those RNC rubles for a rainy day.  

So, as you witness, with each illicit rumor, Sarah Palin's hair has gotten flatter until we end up here (see picture above). I argue that all these controversies caused her coif to cower. And it's this depression in her hairdo that has caused the McCain/Palin ticket's popularity to decline. 

If McCain wants to win the presidency he should have an emergency meeting with Palin's very over-paid hairstylist and get on top of the Mane Issue

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