17 July 2014

The Modern Werewolves Guide to Colonoscopy Preparation

Cancer. It’s a word that scares even the most hardened imaginary vicious beasts.  Werewolves, as all members of the canine family, are extremely conscious of all things related to butts.  Humans may disregard the dogs’ act of smelling each other’s butts as nothing more than an overly-friendly welcome.  However, it is an integral part of the canine’s strict anal health regime.  We look out for each other since, let’s face it, who else would want to put their wet nose there?

Werewolves, as the most refined members of the canine genus, are among the first to expand their anal healthcare vigilance to the realm of cancer detection.  As you know, colonoscopies are a vital part of this wellness system.  However, the preparation for the exam and can be more trying than the actual test itself.

Preparation takes one to two days and entails drinking a special solution prescribed by your doctor.  A clear liquid diet is designed to cleanse your colon for the test.   A socially conscious Werewolf will plan to stay near some covered wooded areas during the prep or, if that’s not possible, someplace with easy access to poop-friendly areas.   If, like many urban-dwelling Werewolves, you plan to stay indoors, stock up on wee wee pads as frequent diarrhea and loose stools will be imminent.  Clear fruit juices –not other canine’s urine- are recommended after drinking the salty solution.  Being a Werewolf, I cannot urge one strongly enough to shave the rectal area before this process to avoid wet cling-ons or poo-stains on your fur. 

Once the rectal area is fully cleansed, you are ready to visit the doctor.  During the colonoscopy you will expose your clean-shaven and feces-free ass to your doctor. He/she will stick a thin, flexible tube called a colonoscope up into your rectum in order to examine your colon.  The colonoscope is sufficiently longer than your girlfriend/boyfriend’s thumb.  Doc is looking for ulcers, polyps, tumors or any inflammation or bleeding and can, at this time, collect tissue samples and remove any abnormal growths.

Although this is not a particularly fun process, it is an imperative one in order for the well-groomed and well-disciplined mammal –canine or human- to maintain a healthy anal wellness regime.

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