Last Stop Santa

Santa's left town. Hope he was good to y'all!  Merry Merry Ho!

Blogvent Day 0

Merry Xmas Everyone! Hope you spend it with someone special and don't have to travel far! 

Love, The Monkey

Blogvent Day 1

Staying on the theme of Xmas movies, Will Ferrell makes a great Elf.

It's Xmas Eve, better be good and watch out for Santa!

Blogvent 3Days

Here's a photo of a London Theater prior to a screening of one of the best Xmas films ever- A Nightmare Before Christmas . This was a 2006 version in 3D. I want that swag!

They remade the film in 3D. Yes, 3D as in 3Days to go until the Big Day!!

Blogvent Day 4

With only 4 days left til Xmas you're probably holiday-partied out. And if you hosted any of those, you probably received your share of wine. What to do with the empties while they wait for the next trip to the recycling place? Try this!

Like a student from the University of Arts and Design in Karlsruhe, Germany, try making a tannenbaum. Hmm, where would a college student get all those empty bottles? There are more cleverly designed trees at one of my favorite sites- apartment therapy- that you can check out. http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/ny/visual-artists-photographers-painters-etc/nontraditional-christmas-trees-038773

Blogvent Day 6

6 days left 'til Christmas. Everyone's favorite brothers are ready to party- The Misers. Heat and Snow. How did they never get their own spinoff holiday special? They stole the show in "The Year Without a Santa Claus". Heat Miser definitely needed a better agent. He's too Much!

blogvent Day 7

I have been looking for a small, inexpensive pink tree and its surprisingly hard to find. They are just tacky enough to be cool, so the next time I see one under $20 it will be delivered to my apartment.

There is 1 week left until Xmas.

Blogvent Day 8

8 days left 'til Xmas...

Here's a Xmas album everyone should have spinning on their Bionic Turntable

Blogvent Day 9

9 Days Left until Xmas.

Europa Park, Germany

Blogvent Day 10

I flaked on the advent blog over the weekend, sorry. To make  up for it, here is a photo of the Annual Boston Speedo Santa Run.

I'd rather see Rudolph in a Speedo than some of these guys. But run to the stores and get shopping- there are only 10 days left 'til Xmas!! 

Blogvent Day 13

Thirteen Days and Xmas will be here. The excitement (or the stress) is enough to make you drink. This is London's Santa Pub Crawl...

...and how we do it here in New York.

Amateurs!

Blogvent Day 14

There are only 2 weeks left til Xmas. Since this is crunch time at the North Pole, let's take the time to glance at Santa's vacation photos. He won't have time to remember how relaxed he was for a while. 

These photos are in honor of our friends in Hawaii who we really should have visited last month but let stupid life excuses get in our way. We love you John and Conn! 

xoxo Mele Kalikimaka xoxo

Blogvent Day 15

Pulled a name from the Secret Santa hat of someone you just can't stand? Or do you hate everyone in your office equally and are forced to do a grab bag? There's no better passive-aggressive way to show them how you really feel than give them a gift bearing the ugly mug of the most annoying self-promoting bald man in America- Joe the Plumber.

This ornament should clog up the empty spaces of their tree and it will only drain you of $6 American dollars. They can use it to cover the 'plumbers butt' in the back of the tree. 

Joe has pen. Joe has paper. Joe has Ghost writer. And now he's spreading his own wealth. His book of dribble will cost you $24.95 on his website but you can get it for $5 less if you went to Barnes & Noble. That's what I call bitchslapping the American Dream. 

And Sam Wurzelbacher's dreams don't end there. He's got a website that you have to join? I don't believe that and I wrote it. For a year's membership you need to flush $14.95 down the toilet. I didn't research what you get for the money because the only sites I know of that you need to pay to join are porno sites and Joe and Porno are 2 words that should never mix.

And I guess that imagery was Joe's Xmas gift to me. Thanks Joe. There are 15 Days 'til Xmas

Blogvent Day 16

Maybe you're reading this blog on you're new Blackberry Storm or your MacBook Air. If not, those things are probably topping your Xmas Wish Lists. 

But take your mind waaaay back- not long after the dinosaurs roamed (if you use the same calendar as Sarah Palin) to 1978. If you were one of those lucky families, you may have woken up Xmas morning and found this hi-tech surprise under the Xmas tree: the TRS-80 Microcomputer!

 

You could get them at Radio Shack if your tightwad dad would fork over the $600 bucks. (My family opted for an electronic typewriter instead). Why did this beauty become extinct you ask? Well, for one, if your knucklehead brother was using it, the latest Starsky & Hutch episode you wanted to watch would be nothing but snow. "Shut it off or I'm telling Mom!" Aaah memories...

There are 16 days til Xmas. Write your Wish Lists!

 

Blogvent Calendar Day 17

17 Days til Xmas

In India, children wear Santa masks. God, do they have to make everything so scary?

BlogVent Calendar Day 18

There are 18 Days til Xmas.

The most overworked and overlooked Christmas character is the elf. They epitomize corporate America- doing all the grunt work while the Fat Man gets all the glory. 

In honor of the faceless workers, here is a collection of vintage Elves and One Vintage Elf Joke.

Q: Why did the Elf go see a Therapist?

A: Because he had low elf esteem.

So, this Christmas, remember the little people- the Elves that make your life better on a daily basis. Your postman, the cashier at the grocery store that doesn't scorn when you forget to bring your own bag, or the barista at Starbucks who knows your order before you have to say anything. Because without them your life would suck that much more. 

Advent Blog Day 19

In my Countdown to Xmas, I am posting a Xmas (or anti-Xmas) scene a day.

Today is Day 19

In Japan the Beluga whales are getting into the spirit!

Advent Blog Day 20

The other day my friend C and I went shopping for an advent calendar. You know, a surprise-a-day countdown to Christmas where each day you open a window and get a chocolate or see a snowy scene. We couldn't find one we liked- they were either too childish or too religious or the chocolate was crappy. So I decided that I would turn this into an Advent Blog instead. 

Starting today, I will post a Xmas scene or snow scene or Xmas saying or anti-Xmas saying to count down the days to the Big One.

Day 20 

Drunken Santa by London Stencil Artist Arofish

This guy's great. You can see more of his work at www.arofish.org.uk. 

He's walking in the footsteps of Banksey, an artist I appreciated when I lived in Shoreditch, England and would stumble upon his art on the street. 

You can see some of Banksy's stuff at www.artofthestate.co.uk/banksy/banksy.htm Ho! Bloody Ho!

Xmas Wrappings

It's that time of year when the mistletoe blooms and the snow blankets the streets. But you're too stressed about what to get everyone that you can't stop to smell the chestnuts roasting. Relax. Get a cup a cup of hot cocoa and check out some ideas I dug up that should help cross off some names on your list.

For your teenage niece that just signed up for American Idol, how about a Karaoke machine? They're going for $120.00 and it may actually get her off her cellphone for an hour.

With the housing slump, your Realtor/Brother has had way too much time staring out into space lately.

Why not take him all the way there and buy him an acre of land on the Moon? 

Check out www.lunarlandowner.com. It only costs $29.99 for an acre of uninhabitable spacerock. Not sure what the Mortgage rates are though.

Now that you're all grown up and ugly, Mom misses her favorite little wombat to cuddle with. Let her snuggle with a furry (faux) throw. 

Pottery Barn $99.00 and it doesn't sass back.

For $79.00 these race cars are perfect for the little tyke with a lotta speed. http://www.landofnod.com and you thought it was hard to keep up before.

Admit it, your sister is way out of your intellectual league. That's OK. Enroll her in the New York Times Crossword Society 

where she will get the Sunday Crosswords mailed to her. That's 72 puzzles a year that she can finish without Googleing one clue and make you feel stupid.  And it will only cost you $45. www.nytstore.com

Dad's always proud when he does the cooking so help him stake credit with his own branding iron for the grill.

 $40.00 fom www.personalcreations.com

Your wife will marry you all over again if this Marc Jacobs Blade watch is under the tree. Bloomingdales $200.00

And cure his taste for the distasteful with a cigar tasting class for $145.00. www.excitations.com

Ho! ho! ho!

1,000 Words, Congo

This segment of 1,000 words will hopefully be the last depressing one before the holiday season. 

Congo, November 2008

Beware WalMart Shoppers!

You have to wonder about anyone who would stand on line in a parking lot at 3am in the freezing cold- not for concert tickets- but for $200 off a plasma TV. Grown people with kids and houses and BBQ grills that should have much better things to do or better 'family values' or should at least be too lazy to bother! 

But the suburbanites have been hypnotized by that Special Blue Light that signals that one-time deal they have been programmed to have to have. They know deep down inside that advertised item is just a lure and there are only 3 of them in stock. That funnel effect is what caused the tragedy at the Long Island WalMart after Thanksgiving. 

But, it was only a matter of time  before Walmart added Murder to its list of crimes. Still, nothing will be done to stop this behemoth from raping our country's moral belief system and Capitalist ideas. Why should we start now? WalMart has been smothering our economy and assisting in its execution and not once has its name been mentioned by any politician, candidate, economist, or member of Congress or the treasury in regards to our country's Financial Meltdown.

Whatever happened to "Buy American"? It's not possible anymore. If WalMart were a country, it would rank as China's 8th largest trading partner- ahead of Russia, Australia and Canada.  

The number of jobs lost to Chinese manufacturers overseas is uncountable. Walmart has forced companies like Huffy Bikes, Thomson Electronics, Rubbermaid and Mr Coffee to hand out pink slips, shut down plants here and learn to speak Cantonese in order to compete. And when those workers are outta jobs, they can only afford to shop at Big W. So those empty factory buildings are turned into Superstores. 

Everyone's favorite Moose Hunter, Sarah Palin, brought in the Big Gun when she was Mayor to create jobs in Wasilla. 

But even she makes mistakes. For every 2 jobs created by the Mart, a community loses 3. That's because they add in all those construction jobs that aren't permanent. (That means, forever, Sarah.) And those Discount Jobs dropped the base salary quicker than Sarah could shoot them down from a helicopter. 

Not long after, Wasilla was Born Again as the Meth Capital of Alaska. Coincidence? Or does losing jobs and having less make you depressed enough to set up your own lab?

The cost of WalMart's Economic Mismanagement on our Government's social system is huge. The Average WalMart Employee brings in $2,000 below the poverty level (at their workers' average 30 hour work week). The boys in blue vests could make $3 more/ hour at Shop Rite. But WM doesn't stop there.

Tiny Salary + Large premiums for health coverage = more than 60% of their workers left for the US Government to take care of.

There are so many more issues and so many more intelligent websites dedicated to bringing the Discount Demon Down.  Check out WakeupWalmart.com for one.  And add the trampling death of a temp worker as just one more felony that this retailer will sale away with.