Real News from the Onion

This is an article from "the Onion" that was too perfect. I always feel like the world is inefficient and it's about time a serious news organization covered it! I had to reprint it here.

EVERYTHING TAKING TOO LONG

WASHINGTON—An overwhelming sense of restlessness and impatience engulfed the U.S. this week when citizens determined that everything—the morning commute, phone conversations, getting a table at Chili's, making coffee, commercial breaks, everything—was taking entirely too long.

"This is ridiculous," said Boston resident Joe Sosnoff, waiting for a subway train running behind schedule. "I don't have time for this. I seriously do not have time for this."

Millions of Americans can just forget about the fucking bus ever showing up when it's fucking supposed to.

"Oh, for crying out loud," said Atlanta native Ashley Rose, standing in line at a local Rite Aid pharmacy. "Open up another register if you have to. What are these people doing? Hanging out?"

Between eye rolls, sighs, and repeated glances at wall clocks, a majority of Americans are reporting that the nation badly needs to pick up the pace. In some cases, including those where things are taking so long that it's not even funny, citizens urged all present to hurry the hell up.

According to the latest time estimates, if everything continues to move along at this intolerable pace, Americans will be left with no other choice but to scream.

"You've got to be kidding me," San Francisco market researcher Tim Martin told reporters while waiting for ESPN.com to load on his desktop computer. "Come on."

A CBS News/New York Times poll revealed Tuesday that Americans are split into three separate camps when it comes to the growing national frustration: Those who think everything is taking too long; those who think everything is taking too goddamn long; and a third fringe group that believes everything is taking fucking forever. Further analysis revealed that 54 percent of respondents are not getting any younger over here. Nearly 10 percent don't understand what the big holdup is. And 23 percent are not only ready, but have been ready for the past half hour, so let's go already.

Several thousand respondents hung up their telephones before answering all of the poll's questions. While citizens said that a few things, such as lunch, dinner, and sleep, could afford to go on for much longer, everything else reportedly needs to get moving pronto as people have places to be.

A Department of the Interior report released Wednesday stated that there are 6 trillion such instances that could not possibly go any slower if they tried, some of which include budget meetings, shaving, the act of waiting, upward mobility, microwaving that lasagna, settling down and starting a family, walking from one place to another, searching for a misplaced item, returning to the place you initially walked from, air travel, 2009, and the time it takes for a sent e-mail to arrive in someone's inbox.
"Nope," said 37-year-old Glenn Costabile, who entered and then immediately exited a crowded emergency room in downtown Detroit. "No fucking way."

At a press conference, President Obama offered little comfort to the impatient nation, claiming that the number of things that take all freaking day is only expected to rise."I've spoken to leading scientists and efficiency experts and unfortunately we're just going to have to deal with this," Obama said before staring down at his watch, drumming his fingers on the podium before him, and muttering something inaudible under his breath. "Look, in my opinion, these press conferences take way too long. But am I going to flip out just because some dumb reporter asks a bunch of pointless and infuriating questions? No, of course not. And do you know why I'm not? Because this is a goddamned civilized society. That's why." "Okay, next question," Obama continued. "Make it fast."

At this rate, Americans reported, it would've been faster to take the goddamn stairs.

Is She Human?

I tried to abide by the Intervention rules and stop cold turkey but it has proved impossible. 

My addiction to all things Palin is too strong. I didn't blog about Bristol and Levi's recent breakup but this... this is too much. 

Throwing away everything she's learned from the African Witch Doctor who recently Baptized her, Sarah Palin is now turning to the Cult of Tom Cruise, aka Scientology for advice.

This is no joke. Sarah is being primed and guided by her "Political Action Committee" Chief  John Coale. 

According to RNC spokespeople, John Coale  is in charge of "protecting the Palin brand". 

He is also a Semi-Grand Poo Bah of Scientology. This means the RNC thinks it is best for Sarah's 'brand' to be managed by a Science Fiction Freak of Nature.  

You might think I am being harsh, but Coale, a prominent Washington lawyer is not a Scientology slouch.  He is at the cult's 2nd most powerful level- an OT-VII. 

Another interesting fact about OT -VII Thetan John Coale- he is the husband of another esteemed Scientologist Weirdo, Greta Van Susteren. 

(Greta is the "journalist" on Fox "News" with the 

droopy lip. The one that's so annoying you can't listen to the fluffer questions she spits out whenever she visits Wasilla.) I do not know what level in the cult Greta has reached, but I imagine to be married to a Level 2, you must not take it lightly either. 

Out of respect for the 'religion', I must now refer to all subjects as "Thetans". As founder L. Ron Hubbard defines them, a "Thetan" is comprised of  2,314 alien spirits- or what we would refer to as "Human". 

This is what's known. 

It is known John Coale is a Sci-Fi Superfreak who believes that a Galactic Ruler, Xenu, once seized billions of people while they were being tax audited; he froze them and put them on rocket-powered DC-8's and dumped them into volcanos. 

Xenu then killed them by dropping Hydrogen Bombs into those volcanos, then caught their souls with a big piece of flypaper. These souls then coagulated into groups of 2,314 and became 'Thetans".

Coale does know this because he donated enough money to be at his Level (around $300,000). Because that's about all it takes to be at Level OT-VII. Also, this information is available to anyone with access to Google. 

It is known that Sarah Palin believes the Earth was created a mere 6,000 years ago. And she believes man frolicked with dinosaurs... and that women were made when a man named Adam pulled out a rib from his chest. 

It is not known if Sarah has joined Scientology or would want to move up the "Bridge" to higher Scientology levels. I would assume some major changes to her religious base of ideas would need to be altered. But would she sell out her spiritual beliefs for political power? Oh wait, she already did when she met the Witch Doctor.

And it is known that a favored MO of the Scientologists is to seduce those in power. And power is something generously handed to Sarah Palin from those in the RNC.  These people worship her for reasons undetectable by those not in the RNC. To show proof of this, they have chosen Thetan Palin to be the keynote speaker at their June 8 address.

And finally, it is known that when it comes to all things Palin, no sci-fi writer could make this shit up! 

1,000 Words

Nairobi, Kenya March 18, 2009

What is Ugly?

Does "Ugly" exist? It is, as is beauty, in the eye of the beholder. It is a perception; a theory in one's mind. One's mind. Not necessarily in yours or mine. There are those that can see beauty in anything. Buddhists see the beauty of life in an Earthworm. So I ask, What is Ugly?  "Ugly" is defined in Webster's dictionary as follows: 

ugly |ˈəglē|adjective ( -lier , -liest )unpleasant or repulsive, esp. in appearance : she thought she was ugly and fat| the ugly sound of a fire alarm | [as n. ] ( the ugly) he instinctively shrinks from the ugly.• (of a situation or mood) involving or likely to involve violence or other unpleasantness : the mood in the room turned ugly.• unpleasantly suggestive; causing disquiet : ugly rumors persisted that there had been a cover-up.• morally repugnant : racism and its most ugly manifestations, racial attacks and harassment.

I searched the term on the internet and these are a few images that came up (from the 240,875 images on flickr). You won't agree with the 'Ugliness" of all, if any.  Which makes me think 'Does Ugly exist?"

The Wonders She Can Do

She has an Invisible Plane, the coolest bullet-proof  bracelets, a Lasso of truth and...  a Great Voice? 

Yep, Wonder Woman Lynda Carter, is switching career directions away from crime-fighting to making sweet music. 

She is now on tour and according to an LA Times review, she can "deliver a song even better than she can take down a bad guy".

Her powers are many. 

According to Wikepedia, Wonder Woman's superpowers include "super strength, enhanced speed and stamina, and (more recently) flight. She is highly proficient in hand-to-hand combat and in the art of tactical warfare. She also possesses an animal-like cunning and a natural rapport with animals, which has in the past been presented as an actual ability to communicate with the animal kingdom." 

Now that we can call her the "Caped Crooner" -she truly is a girl who's got everything!

You can witness this Superhero in Action at Lincoln Center March 13 & 14, or check her out on  YouTube

Feeling Like...

Pain in E minor 

by artist *xlizx

He must have had hand surgery.

VOGUE Strikes a Position

Even in the most dire of economic crises, if one looks hard enough, one can still find a job. Word on the street (the one the girls that have given up on their Gladiator sandals take) is that the Wicked Witch of the Fashion World- Anna Wintour is hiring. Twoher assistants are said to be flying the Vogue nest -and its designer closet- which they supposedly of have access to. (yeeeah, right).

I'm not sure what the want-ad reads but anyone who saw "The Devil Wears Prada" and/or ever met anyone in the Fashion Magazine World would probably write it as follows:

Needed: Spineless, non-confrontational girl willing to work long hours at very low pay. Must have extremely sharp eye for fashion, whilst working for people who think they know more and are better than you. Must be able to carry several garment bags in one arm during a Starbucks run and take criticism like a fledgling model. Must dress as if you work somewhere glamorous/get paid an actual salary, even though job entails mainly photocopying, lunch-orders and phone-answering, with occasional trips to return unwanted items. For the two times a year the industry is actually glamorous, you will be merely adding taxi superintendant and ticketing agent to your repertoire; pulling 16 hour days and must look even better than usual in higher heels. Men need not apply, as office is filled with insecure women who thrive on estrogen only and are not sure of their capability of intimidating anyone with an appendage between their legs- gay or straight.

Good luck to all those girls inspiring to get into the fabulous world of fashion, or in these times of economic despair, anyone desperate enough to apply anywhere.

Funeral For Domino

It is with a heavy heart that we must say goodbye to one of the best decorating magazines I have known. This March 2009 issue of Domino will be its last. The website, too will face sudden death. 

In honor of the magazine that merged home design with shopping; home goods with chic; and eco with practical, here is a bit ripped from the Robert Frost poem 'Home Burial':

"There, you have said it all and you feel better.

You won't go now.  You're crying.  Close the door.

The heart's gone out of it: why keep it up?

Amy!  There's someone coming down the road!"

"You—oh, you think the talk is all.  I must go—

Somewhere out of this house.  How can I make you——"

"If—you—do!"  She was opening the door wider.

"Where do you mean to go?  First tell me that.

I'll follow and bring you back by force.  I will!—"

                                                         Robert Frost

Domino, if I could bring you back by force I would! Farewell my friend!

Valentine's Day Killer

For some, including me, one of the most dreaded holidays approaches- Valentine's Day.  Even if you have found the perfect partner and live each day in bliss, this holiday reeks. It cheapens every poem, every song written about love and stuffs it into a heart-shaped cardboard box. 

Valentine's Day doesn't feel like a celebration of but rather like a forced feeling of love, making you express something or making you feel you need to have love or, if you're alone, that you're the only one that doesn't. You're not. 

Telling someone you love them shouldn't be mandatory. Who wants a card and chocolates that Hallmark told him/her to get you? Everyone knows that unexpected gifts mean more. 

For Saturday, I am sending Cupid my own Anti-Valentine in honor of everyone that feels like I do. A dozen black roses= Dead. from deadflowerflorist.com and I'll do something nice for my honey on some other day.

Death Stamp

As if more proof was needed that the Economy sucks, The Post Office is now threatening to cut its service back to 5 days a week.

In honor of the tragedy, and as one of the few left that still use the USPS, I searched out the coolest stamp its ever issued. I'd say this one blows away the Elvis commemoratives.

It was issued in 1998, honoring the 1906 Pure Food and Drug Act.

The image is from a proprietary tax stamp for, Hunt's Remedy. It shows Hunts killing Death, thus proving how effective the product is. (This Hunts must be a medicine- not tomato sauce.)

Tax stamps were placed on the bottle by its manufacturer to show that a tax had been paid, and were often used as mini advertisements- much like pop-ups on websites.

Hunt's Remedy was one of thousands of such products flooding the U.S. market at the time the 1906 Pure Food and Drugs Act was passed.

The Net is Alive With the Sound of Music

Trying to find new tunes on the net isn't as easy as it should be. XM radio is pretty expensive and isn't all that. But if you haven't checked Pandora.com you really should. It's a website where you can type in a song you like and they build a station around that song - by  its melody, harmony, instrumentation, rhythm, vocals, lyrics- whatever. 

This is all done by human ear. And what's cool is you can click on a button that says "I hate this song" and it will never play it again and if it plays something bizarre you can ask why this song is in your station. And, yeah, you can make as many stations as you like. It's cool, there's no commercials- it's free and not annoying. Try it.

Please Fence Me In

This lace fence is stunning. Keeping the dog in our the riff raff out doesn't have to be so ugly. As this Dutch design firm describes it,  it's "Hostility versus kindness, industrial versus craft. " Genius.

For more of their work, check http://www.demakersvan.com/index.php

Lose Your Job or Just Look Like You Have

You've Lost your Job, Your House, Your Car, Now- What do You Wear?
Designers picked up on the economic crisis-turned-catastrophe for Spring 2009.

Alberta Ferretti (left) and Just Cavalli (below) tried to keep it optimistic, reminiscing of days before the Great Depression with flapper dresses and lots of fringe.

Ah! The days before it all crashed.

But that was the 20's and this is now. And as the rule goes:

When times get bad, fashion gets more conservative.

Marc Jacobs and Marni must sense even harder times ahead, as their muse was Laura Ingalls.

Skirts cover the knees- almost to the ankles and they want you to button up the plaid (not in a grunge way).

Straw hats are in because who can afford leather and well, Get out the plow-we're heading back to horse and carriage times.

Marc Jacobs Spring 2009

Marni Spring 2009

Obama: Out of this World or Out of His Mind?

While the nation, no, the world, is enthralled with the inauguration today of our 44th president, I must warn that we pay close attention to those he chooses to stand alongside him. Or on him, in this case.

In what may have been the most under-reported appointment to the Obama cabinet, Trrgufchk Skgrt (shown here sitting on the now-President's shoulder) will serve as Intergalactic United Nations Supreme Allied Commander. It may seem like a big title for a little guy but our new Commander in Chief thinks Skgrt is up to the task. 

I just don't know about this. I mean, the guy's cute and all, but how do we know he will stand up for Earth the same way he supports Mars, where, let's face it, people probably look more like him? And in these hard economic times, where there are a scarce number of jobs to go around, shouldn't our President give the ones he has to Human Beings? 

Or is this the 'Change' Obama needed us to believe in- seeing beyond all our differences and reaching across intergalactic aisles?  What do you think- did the Prez space out when he appointed Skgrt or did he just take one giant leap for mankind?

Owl Decor Craze

It seems like everyone's obsessed with owls these days. But when it comes to interior design, there's a fine line we walk between kitsch and class. Between flair and overdone. 

I have chosen my two favorite Owl-decor items that I think add just enough whimsy to an apartment or home. Remember, half of good design is knowing when to say when.

I am absolutely in love with this umbrella stand! Besides being practical (who doesn't need a place to store their brolly?) It is so damn adorable! Even without an umbrella it looks amazing in the corner. You can get this at Urban Outfitters for $120. That's a must...

...Onto the lust.

UberDesigner Rick Lee designed this Owl Lamp on a tripod that has got tongues wagging in the interior world. 

Most owl lamps are table lamps but Rick ingeniously put his on a perch. This really blows me away. 

The stand is stainless steel and the Owl features a dimmer. It just looks so cute!

It retails for $1995. www.rickleedesign.com

Aloha Designer

Alfred Shaheen died in Torrance, California on December 22, 2008. He was 86. 

And he is the man that brought us the Hawaiian shirt. The floral pattern, the colors, the island flair that tourists and natives alike fell in love with were his design. Shaheen found a way to capture the feeling and romance of paradise and weave it into a piece of clothing.

It wasn't just Elvis that loved to rock the look. Donna Reed looks impressed with Montgomery Clift and Frank Sinatra in "From Here to Eternity"(1953). 

The movie received eight Oscars, though I don't recall one being for Costume Design.

And no one filled it better than Magnum- Tom Selleck. It's the only thing that doesn't clash with his 'stache.

Our thoughts are with you Alfred.

Camera Cake

When I was in L.A. visiting my sister, she took me to her favorite bakery to try her favorite cake. Red Velvet. It was AMAZING! I had never had Red Velvet Cake before. My sister is a photographer and I bet she never had Red Velvet Cake that looked like this!

Some guy made this Nikon D700 cake for his wife's birthday.

(By the way,you can check out my sister's incredible photography at www.bjpapas.com). 

Journal for the Time-Impaired

A friend of mine told me that her New Year's Resolution was to start keeping a journal. I admire her aspirations. Diaries are extremely important works. They help the writer psychologically clear themselves of the daily annoyances and drama we live through.

According to the New York times, diaries originated as a literary form in the upper classes.

The first were called pillow books, written by women of the Japanese court in the 10th century A.D.

British royalty began a tradition of keeping "stories of their reign" in the Middle Ages.

Anais Nin, who called her diary "my kief, my hashish and opium pipe," recorded her erotic exploits with Henry Miller and his wife, June. Her four volumes of diaries are a pastiche of literary gossip, feminine revelation and 1930's Parisian culture.

Ronald Reagan, Clark Clifford and Bill Wyman, the Rolling Stones' bassist, relied heavily on their personal diaries when they wrote books.

(from the New York Times January 3, 2009.)

Ordinary people who believe an unexamined life is not worth living write about the small activities and impressions that are their days. But you know how easy it is for these activities to get in the way and make you drop your journal writing.

So in order to help my friend and anyone else with the same Resolution, I thought it would be easier if you had a fill-in-the-blank template that allowed you to just jot down some answers. So on hectic days you'd still have time (and no excuses) to make an entry.

If you copy/paste this into your computer journal, it may make it easier to keep you resolution, at least 'til March.

--

MY FILL-IN-THE-BLANK-DIARY

Date __/____/2009

Today I went to ______________________ with ____________________.

It was Good / Sucked (circle one)

Who/What pissed me off today: __________________________

Why:_____________________________________________

Favorite person of the day: _____________________

Why? ______________________

Had Sex? Yes / No (Circle one- be honest)

Comments on it: _____________________________

Extraneous Rant about anything: _______________________________________

____________________________________________

Any cool quotes/websites/movies/songs/media I discovered today:
_________________________________________

Goal for tomorrow:
_________________________________________

Unicorns Are Your Friends

I was never into Unicorns in the eighties when all my girlfriends were drawing them on their notebooks flying over rainbows. But lately, I can't stop thinking how cool they are. However, as I search for Unicorn things I am bombarded with the same tacky 80's crap that most people need to associate with them.

So, I have weeded some cool Unicorn paraphernalia out from all the horror show pre-pubescent medieval freaky shit so people like us can enjoy a little of the horse magic.

I should start with this tote as it's so appropriate. The "I Don't Want to Sound Gay or Anything, But Unicorns Kick Ass" Motto is available on t-shirts, hoodies and baby onesies as well.

This bag goes for $21.99 and you can find it at Cafe Press. http://shop.cafepress.com/design/17779463

I am really into big bangly necklaces with lots of chains and to find one that snuck a unicorn into the mix was a real treat.

This is a Destroyed by Design piece you can get at Etsy for $32.00.

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?ref=sr_gallery_17&listing_id=18927503

If you're not quite that brave in showing you're support for the one-horned, this cherry wood brooch is a little more subtle. It's $8.00 also on Etsy. http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?ref=sr_gallery_4&listing_id=18555728

Anyone who thinks Unicorns are for girls better watch out! None other than Robocop is a big fan.

Comic book artist and Painter Timothy Doyle designed this Unicorn print available on his myspace page for $20. http://www.myspace.com/timothydoyle

These should hold you over Elf Lords! (Just Kidding)
But honestly, it is tough finding the cool stuff amongst the tacky and crappy out there. Good thing I didn't wake up and decide rainbows were cool- I'd be really F---ed!

A Long Strange Tripp It Is

While I've been distracted with the holidays, much has been going on in more exciting parts of the world. Namely, Wasilla, Alaska. Yes it seems I have been jerked out of my Post-Palin depression as the hicks in the Governor's clan have been moving and shaking. And as usual, nothing is quite cut and dry... or legal.

First, the girl who nationally entered the term "Knocked Up" into every pre-teen's dictionary, Bristol Palin, supposedly gave birth on December 27. Or December 28. Date not confirmed. No baby pictures yet released either, as talks with People Magazine are volleying around a $300,000 figure.

However, that would require Grandma Sarah to be present at the photo shoot. And so far neither she nor the First Dude, nor their press secretary are commenting - or confirming -on the happy occassion of the birth.

No one will even confirm if Daddy Levi was present at the birth.

What is confirmed is this: the baby's name is Tripp.

This is very appropriate as the baby's other grandmother (Levi's mom) was arrested for dealing drugs just a week earlier.

Sherry Johnston was charged on December 18th with six felony counts of misconduct involving a controlled substance. The substance was Oxycontin which she gets $800 for 10 pills! Am I the only one that thinks she should be arrested for the overcharge?
Oxycontin is the Hillbilly Heroin that Rush Limbaugh could afford to give her that kind of cash for- but Wasilla dropouts from her son's hockey team? Really? Isn't it cheaper to make meth in your basement?

More importantly, I suppose, the investigation started the 2nd week of September but was postponed because one of her soon to be in-laws in Wasilla was running as the Vice President of the United States. Close call, country.

Hmm... How would the GOP vetters not catch this? It was all on record and she was the mother of the candidate's daughter's long-time boyfriend. I mean just look at her?

Can't you see she's ON SOMETHING?

When will this end? And do we want it to? The Palins and their clan in Alaska truly are the gift that keep on giving. Here's to a New Year full of more fun, drugs, scandal and teen pregnancies from the North.