Am I Human?

Guys who have the unexplicable need to pose with mannequins: 

What's cooler, the 'fro or the breakin' moves?

There's Sleepy, Bashful, Dopey....

Join the Army. Travel to foreign lands and stand near mannequins that do interesting things.

I won't look like an arse if she's doing it too! 

Hang me now and bury me in this mannequin's shirt!

I'm too sexy for this Doll.

Horror Hummels

It embarrassed you when you brought your friends home from school. Maybe it still does.  It is your Mom's 'Hummels'. A morose collection of cutesy ceramic figurines that she keeps in the China cupboard so as not to collect dust.  You told her a hundred times they were dumb but man, the spanking you got when you 'accidentally' dropped one and the umbrella chipped was not worth the artistic duel.

But times they are a-changing.  Thanks to London artist Barnaby Barford.  He finds the dolls (probably for a pittance on eBay) and their ceramic counterparts and transforms them into sinister, yet darkly humorous modern sculptures. Placed in twisted street-real narratives, and dressed in hoodies, these ceramic sculptures actually seem, (can I say it?) cool. And what a way to recycle!

"Does this mean we're not getting any Presents? 2009

Ring-a-ring-a-Roses  2009

For more go to Barnabybarford.co.uk

Still Life After Death

The Future of Taxidermy is one of Gothic Beauty. 

London artist Polly Morgan whispers the breath of art into roadkill. 

Using only animals that have died naturally or are given to her by friends (some veterinarians) she immortalizes the creatures unlike anyone else in her field.  

Polly Morgan is single-handedly  modernizing the antiquated art of taxidermy by taking the animal out of context and allowing others to see the beauty of that instant in time - that instant of the final breath.

Her works remind me of a poem by Emily Dickinson. 

I died for beauty, but was scarce 

Adjusted in the tomb, 
When one who died for truth was lain 
In an adjoining room. 

He questioned softly why I failed? 
"For beauty," I replied. 
"And I for truth - the two are one; We brethren are," he said. 
And so, as kinsmen met a-night, 
We talked between the rooms, 
Until the moss had reached our lips, 
And covered up our names.

Pinned Down Pin-Up

Vaughan Bass was a "paint-over" artist who started his career retouching Gil Elvgren's Pin-Up  works.

He did a series of his own illustrations of wrestling scenes in the 1950s.

To see more of his amazing work check out www.plan59.com

How To Attract Unicorns

And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with their bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness." -Isaiah 34:7

For the past two weeks I have been entrenched in researching how to attract Unicorns to my yard. I know what you're thinking, that Unicorns are just a myth and I am wasting my time. 

However, according to Wikipedia, Unicorns are "not found in Greek mythology, but rather in accounts of natural history, for Greek writers of natural history were convinced of the reality of the unicorn."  And to quote Steve Carell as Michael Scott in "The Office". Because anyone anywhere can submit information to Wikepedia, it must be true.  

So now that I am sure they exist, I have concocted a sure-fire way to attract these gorgeous creatures.  All you need is a garden, some Pez and some gold dust.  With this, and after finding the vortex in your garden, you can coax the Unicorn out to your yard to be seen by an ugly mortal like yourself.

For more complete instructions, follow the link to my eHow article: How to attract Unicorns  and good luck! 

Conserve or Be Stabbed

We've all heard the tragic warnings from environmentalists about over-using our finite resources before we destroy our planet and all life on it. Yet many people still have not changed their wasteful ways. If you know someone who is selfishly burning our supplies, this just might wake them up to the detriments of their behavior.  

This shower curtain allows you just a few minutes to take a shower before it inflates into a Wall of Spikes- literally pushing you out of the bath. 

Designed by French artist Elisabeth Buecher who calls her method "design by pain and for our own good", this shower curtain is used to curb our limits.  I believe it is a good way to show us the evil in our ways of that we may not be aware.

I do not know how much time you have to soap up and rinse before the final curtain call, or if anyone would actually purchase this to push them into conserving.  But I do appreciate Buecher taking a stab at influencing us positively through brute force.

Here are photos of the curtain in pre-stages of shower...

..and in full stabbing force.

If you think this may be too extreme to give as a gift to the Wasteful One in your life, remember the pain they will feel is nothing compared to that they are causing.

To see more of Buescher's and other conscious artists' designs go to the blog  TextilesFutures.co.uk

Everyone Is a Rockstar

I found this on my friend John's facebook page and it is the coolest thing... if you have time.  It's instructions on how to make a fake band/album cover.  Here is mine. 

Here's how to do it:

1. Go to "Wikipedia." Hit “Random Article”or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
2. Go to "Random quotations"or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3 The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.
3. Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”or click  http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.
4. Use Photoshop or similar to put it all together

Upload yours here- I'd love to see them~ and THANKS JOHN! I love you! xoxox

Real News from the Onion

This is an article from "the Onion" that was too perfect. I always feel like the world is inefficient and it's about time a serious news organization covered it! I had to reprint it here.

EVERYTHING TAKING TOO LONG

WASHINGTON—An overwhelming sense of restlessness and impatience engulfed the U.S. this week when citizens determined that everything—the morning commute, phone conversations, getting a table at Chili's, making coffee, commercial breaks, everything—was taking entirely too long.

"This is ridiculous," said Boston resident Joe Sosnoff, waiting for a subway train running behind schedule. "I don't have time for this. I seriously do not have time for this."

Millions of Americans can just forget about the fucking bus ever showing up when it's fucking supposed to.

"Oh, for crying out loud," said Atlanta native Ashley Rose, standing in line at a local Rite Aid pharmacy. "Open up another register if you have to. What are these people doing? Hanging out?"

Between eye rolls, sighs, and repeated glances at wall clocks, a majority of Americans are reporting that the nation badly needs to pick up the pace. In some cases, including those where things are taking so long that it's not even funny, citizens urged all present to hurry the hell up.

According to the latest time estimates, if everything continues to move along at this intolerable pace, Americans will be left with no other choice but to scream.

"You've got to be kidding me," San Francisco market researcher Tim Martin told reporters while waiting for ESPN.com to load on his desktop computer. "Come on."

A CBS News/New York Times poll revealed Tuesday that Americans are split into three separate camps when it comes to the growing national frustration: Those who think everything is taking too long; those who think everything is taking too goddamn long; and a third fringe group that believes everything is taking fucking forever. Further analysis revealed that 54 percent of respondents are not getting any younger over here. Nearly 10 percent don't understand what the big holdup is. And 23 percent are not only ready, but have been ready for the past half hour, so let's go already.

Several thousand respondents hung up their telephones before answering all of the poll's questions. While citizens said that a few things, such as lunch, dinner, and sleep, could afford to go on for much longer, everything else reportedly needs to get moving pronto as people have places to be.

A Department of the Interior report released Wednesday stated that there are 6 trillion such instances that could not possibly go any slower if they tried, some of which include budget meetings, shaving, the act of waiting, upward mobility, microwaving that lasagna, settling down and starting a family, walking from one place to another, searching for a misplaced item, returning to the place you initially walked from, air travel, 2009, and the time it takes for a sent e-mail to arrive in someone's inbox.
"Nope," said 37-year-old Glenn Costabile, who entered and then immediately exited a crowded emergency room in downtown Detroit. "No fucking way."

At a press conference, President Obama offered little comfort to the impatient nation, claiming that the number of things that take all freaking day is only expected to rise."I've spoken to leading scientists and efficiency experts and unfortunately we're just going to have to deal with this," Obama said before staring down at his watch, drumming his fingers on the podium before him, and muttering something inaudible under his breath. "Look, in my opinion, these press conferences take way too long. But am I going to flip out just because some dumb reporter asks a bunch of pointless and infuriating questions? No, of course not. And do you know why I'm not? Because this is a goddamned civilized society. That's why." "Okay, next question," Obama continued. "Make it fast."

At this rate, Americans reported, it would've been faster to take the goddamn stairs.

Is She Human?

I tried to abide by the Intervention rules and stop cold turkey but it has proved impossible. 

My addiction to all things Palin is too strong. I didn't blog about Bristol and Levi's recent breakup but this... this is too much. 

Throwing away everything she's learned from the African Witch Doctor who recently Baptized her, Sarah Palin is now turning to the Cult of Tom Cruise, aka Scientology for advice.

This is no joke. Sarah is being primed and guided by her "Political Action Committee" Chief  John Coale. 

According to RNC spokespeople, John Coale  is in charge of "protecting the Palin brand". 

He is also a Semi-Grand Poo Bah of Scientology. This means the RNC thinks it is best for Sarah's 'brand' to be managed by a Science Fiction Freak of Nature.  

You might think I am being harsh, but Coale, a prominent Washington lawyer is not a Scientology slouch.  He is at the cult's 2nd most powerful level- an OT-VII. 

Another interesting fact about OT -VII Thetan John Coale- he is the husband of another esteemed Scientologist Weirdo, Greta Van Susteren. 

(Greta is the "journalist" on Fox "News" with the 

droopy lip. The one that's so annoying you can't listen to the fluffer questions she spits out whenever she visits Wasilla.) I do not know what level in the cult Greta has reached, but I imagine to be married to a Level 2, you must not take it lightly either. 

Out of respect for the 'religion', I must now refer to all subjects as "Thetans". As founder L. Ron Hubbard defines them, a "Thetan" is comprised of  2,314 alien spirits- or what we would refer to as "Human". 

This is what's known. 

It is known John Coale is a Sci-Fi Superfreak who believes that a Galactic Ruler, Xenu, once seized billions of people while they were being tax audited; he froze them and put them on rocket-powered DC-8's and dumped them into volcanos. 

Xenu then killed them by dropping Hydrogen Bombs into those volcanos, then caught their souls with a big piece of flypaper. These souls then coagulated into groups of 2,314 and became 'Thetans".

Coale does know this because he donated enough money to be at his Level (around $300,000). Because that's about all it takes to be at Level OT-VII. Also, this information is available to anyone with access to Google. 

It is known that Sarah Palin believes the Earth was created a mere 6,000 years ago. And she believes man frolicked with dinosaurs... and that women were made when a man named Adam pulled out a rib from his chest. 

It is not known if Sarah has joined Scientology or would want to move up the "Bridge" to higher Scientology levels. I would assume some major changes to her religious base of ideas would need to be altered. But would she sell out her spiritual beliefs for political power? Oh wait, she already did when she met the Witch Doctor.

And it is known that a favored MO of the Scientologists is to seduce those in power. And power is something generously handed to Sarah Palin from those in the RNC.  These people worship her for reasons undetectable by those not in the RNC. To show proof of this, they have chosen Thetan Palin to be the keynote speaker at their June 8 address.

And finally, it is known that when it comes to all things Palin, no sci-fi writer could make this shit up! 

1,000 Words

Nairobi, Kenya March 18, 2009

What is Ugly?

Does "Ugly" exist? It is, as is beauty, in the eye of the beholder. It is a perception; a theory in one's mind. One's mind. Not necessarily in yours or mine. There are those that can see beauty in anything. Buddhists see the beauty of life in an Earthworm. So I ask, What is Ugly?  "Ugly" is defined in Webster's dictionary as follows: 

ugly |ˈəglē|adjective ( -lier , -liest )unpleasant or repulsive, esp. in appearance : she thought she was ugly and fat| the ugly sound of a fire alarm | [as n. ] ( the ugly) he instinctively shrinks from the ugly.• (of a situation or mood) involving or likely to involve violence or other unpleasantness : the mood in the room turned ugly.• unpleasantly suggestive; causing disquiet : ugly rumors persisted that there had been a cover-up.• morally repugnant : racism and its most ugly manifestations, racial attacks and harassment.

I searched the term on the internet and these are a few images that came up (from the 240,875 images on flickr). You won't agree with the 'Ugliness" of all, if any.  Which makes me think 'Does Ugly exist?"

The Wonders She Can Do

She has an Invisible Plane, the coolest bullet-proof  bracelets, a Lasso of truth and...  a Great Voice? 

Yep, Wonder Woman Lynda Carter, is switching career directions away from crime-fighting to making sweet music. 

She is now on tour and according to an LA Times review, she can "deliver a song even better than she can take down a bad guy".

Her powers are many. 

According to Wikepedia, Wonder Woman's superpowers include "super strength, enhanced speed and stamina, and (more recently) flight. She is highly proficient in hand-to-hand combat and in the art of tactical warfare. She also possesses an animal-like cunning and a natural rapport with animals, which has in the past been presented as an actual ability to communicate with the animal kingdom." 

Now that we can call her the "Caped Crooner" -she truly is a girl who's got everything!

You can witness this Superhero in Action at Lincoln Center March 13 & 14, or check her out on  YouTube

Feeling Like...

Pain in E minor 

by artist *xlizx

He must have had hand surgery.

VOGUE Strikes a Position

Even in the most dire of economic crises, if one looks hard enough, one can still find a job. Word on the street (the one the girls that have given up on their Gladiator sandals take) is that the Wicked Witch of the Fashion World- Anna Wintour is hiring. Twoher assistants are said to be flying the Vogue nest -and its designer closet- which they supposedly of have access to. (yeeeah, right).

I'm not sure what the want-ad reads but anyone who saw "The Devil Wears Prada" and/or ever met anyone in the Fashion Magazine World would probably write it as follows:

Needed: Spineless, non-confrontational girl willing to work long hours at very low pay. Must have extremely sharp eye for fashion, whilst working for people who think they know more and are better than you. Must be able to carry several garment bags in one arm during a Starbucks run and take criticism like a fledgling model. Must dress as if you work somewhere glamorous/get paid an actual salary, even though job entails mainly photocopying, lunch-orders and phone-answering, with occasional trips to return unwanted items. For the two times a year the industry is actually glamorous, you will be merely adding taxi superintendant and ticketing agent to your repertoire; pulling 16 hour days and must look even better than usual in higher heels. Men need not apply, as office is filled with insecure women who thrive on estrogen only and are not sure of their capability of intimidating anyone with an appendage between their legs- gay or straight.

Good luck to all those girls inspiring to get into the fabulous world of fashion, or in these times of economic despair, anyone desperate enough to apply anywhere.

Funeral For Domino

It is with a heavy heart that we must say goodbye to one of the best decorating magazines I have known. This March 2009 issue of Domino will be its last. The website, too will face sudden death. 

In honor of the magazine that merged home design with shopping; home goods with chic; and eco with practical, here is a bit ripped from the Robert Frost poem 'Home Burial':

"There, you have said it all and you feel better.

You won't go now.  You're crying.  Close the door.

The heart's gone out of it: why keep it up?

Amy!  There's someone coming down the road!"

"You—oh, you think the talk is all.  I must go—

Somewhere out of this house.  How can I make you——"

"If—you—do!"  She was opening the door wider.

"Where do you mean to go?  First tell me that.

I'll follow and bring you back by force.  I will!—"

                                                         Robert Frost

Domino, if I could bring you back by force I would! Farewell my friend!